“But, Lena, I Love Him”

I enjoy watching only a few daytime talk shows – one of my favorites is The Steve Wilkos Show. I learn quite a bit about human nature when watching men and women openly discussing their relationships, trying to beat the lie detector test or a young lady trying to prove that her ex-boyfriend is the father of her 4th child (and she’s only 21 years old).  A woman regales us with the many times she has caught her boyfriend cheating, yet she’s on the show to prove that she’s faithful and he can stop calling her names and stalking her at work. Then Steve will inevitably ask, “Why do you put up with someone that treats you like that?” The question is usually answered: “But, Steve, I love him”.  It’s amazing how men and women go to great lengths to stay in unhealthy and volatile relationships, usually for a few reasons:

• Cheaper To Keep Her. You’ve been together six years, have 2 children together, and it’s just easier to stay than to go. People stay in bad relationships because they have invested time, energy, and resources and they don’t want to “lose everything” or start all over. However, remember the idiom, “Don’t throw good money after bad”. Cut your losses because the more time and energy you spend in that harmful relationship is more time and energy wasted – and nothing more!
• Change Is Coming. A friend of mine said that every time she breaks up with a no –good man, with his next relationship he becomes this great guy. She regrets NOT putting up with his drinking, drugging, and cheating. However, I commended her for not waiting for the change. We visualize what a great wife she will be when she finally moves to another city or he will finally stop hitting you when he gets another job.  Heaven-forbid if we miss this “Great Change” that’s going to happen; someone else will get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. Let them have it!
• Don’t Want to Do Bad All By Myself. It’s natural and normal that we yearn to be connected to others; we are communal beings. Some people don’t want to be alone and prefer to be in a relationship – no matter how harmful.  We sacrifice our self-respect for the sake of companionship, not realizing that nothing is worth losing that! It’s okay to be alone; you can finally spend some quality time with someone who loves you – YOU!
• The Lesser of Several Evils. Tina says Jim is a “really nice guy”. He may get drunk every day and can’t keep a job, but at least he doesn’t hit her like Bruce did. We compare what we have now to what we had in the past, and then we determine whether it’s better or worse.  In all reality, both situations are toxic, but when Jim stands next to Bruce, Jim looks like a saint. But how does Jim look  standing next to another man that you respect or admire (your dad, brother, good friend….)? Decide which person in your life will be The Standard and compare all other men to the way he treats you. If you don’t have a “standard” man in your life to compare him to, borrow a friend’s.

​These are just a few reasons why many people stay in toxic relationships, but one of the reasons WILL NOT be.... "But Lena, I love him!"

Do you know someone that's in a toxic relationship? What reason do they use for staying? What advice have you given them?

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